


Only you to blame ...

by Fangirlqueen87



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Depression, Guilt, M/M, Passion, blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:05:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4558785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlqueen87/pseuds/Fangirlqueen87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the disaster:<br/>Aaron can't cope with the guilt feeling like he was to blame for the disaster. Can anyone stop him before it's too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It was all me ...

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy ;)

The stress of the recent weeks had taken its toll on Aaron more than he thought. When he heard about Chrissie’s confession it was enough to make he realise in his mind that the whole disaster was caused by him. ‘He was with me’ the words that started the disaster, the words that had destroyed a marriage and killed innocent people.

  
“It was all me.” Aaron whispered to himself. He sat at the edge of his bed, his heart beating faster as he recalled the crash in his mind. “Stop it." Aaron said as he breathed heavily, almost panting.

  
“AARON” Chas shouted from down stairs.

  
Aaron rolled his eyes as he heard his mum call for him, preparing for a ‘ _talk_ ’, “Yeah mum I'm coming.”

  
Aaron stared at himself in the mirror that rested opposite him, the person he saw frightened him to the core, he ripped his eyes away and headed downstairs.

  
Chas looked wide eyed as her son began to enter the room, “Listen love I was thinking maybe you and me could go out sometime, you know maybe tonight.”

  
Aaron fidgeted on the spot, the thought of going out with his mum wasn't something he was interested in at the moment,  
“Um … I'll think about it, Adam might need me working late.”

  
Chas tried to hid her disappointment, “Oh ok love… well just give us a bell or summat."

  
“Give you a bell?” Aaron smirked.

  
“You know what I mean.” Chas grinned watching Aaron leave.

 

-

 

Aaron headed towards the café after texting Adam to meet him there. He still couldn't bare going back to the scrapyard knowing the reason behind the disaster. Picturing Adam trapped inside his car was more than enough to make him never go back.

  
“What can I get you love.” Brenda said as Aaron walked inside the café, whilst texting Adam.

  
Aaron walked towards the table near the door, “Er coffee and ham toastie when your ready.”

  
Aaron’s phone vibrated. “Oh er make that two Brenda.”

  
As Aaron peered around the café awaiting Adam, he's eyes found themselves drawn to a pathetic looking Robert in the corner table near the till. He looked like he had barely slept and was nursing a large mug of coffee transfixed on the rim of the cream topping.

  
Adam appeared from behind him and caught him looking in Roberts direction.

  
Adam slowly crept behind him and placed his hands on Aaron’s shoulders abruptly making Aaron jump and look away from Robert.

  
“You alright mate?” Adam laughed sitting opposite Aaron.

  
Robert had noticed Adams voice and slowly peered over looking at Aaron shyly.

  
Aaron rolled his eyes, “What you playing at?!”

  
“Alright grumpy, why did you want to meet here anyway. Do you know how much work we have to do at the scrap yard?”

  
Aaron sighed, the mention of it didn't sit well with him.

  
“Listen I just thought that maybe we shouldn't go back there after…. you know.”

  
Robert couldn't help but over hear, he wanted nothing more than to run over and tell Aaron nothing was his fault. He knew Aaron and he could tell when he blamed himself. The thought of Aaron not wanting to even go back to work made Robert feel even worse.

  
Adam tilted his head and sighed remembering how Aaron had reacted to trauma in the past.

  
“Mate I know bu -"

  
“That's two coffees and two ham toasties.” Brenda said smiling at Aaron.

  
Brenda looked over at Robert who had just quickly put his head down again, "He's been here since seven!”

  
Adam sighed noticing Aaron’s discomfort, “What do we care?”

  
Brenda paused for a minute, “Well he is your brother in law and well...” Brenda looked at Aaron and began to stumble on her words.

  
Robert looked up again this time starring straight at Brenda, praying for her to leave them alone.

  
Aaron starred at her as she stood wide eyed, “Yes Brenda and well what?”

  
“Well you know .. his your … I mean he was your -”

  
Aaron felt his heart beat faster,  
“He wasn't and isn't _my_ anything – you got that?”

  
Out of the corner of Aaron’s eye he could see Robert’s face fall slightly.

  
Robert wasn't surprised by the comment at all, after the night at the lodge he knew the damaged had been done. Yet it didn't stop him feeling like Aaron had ripped out his heart and stamped on it.

  
“Okay Brenda thanks.” Adam sighed, ushering Brenda away from the table.

  
Aaron began to fidget, “Hey you alright mate?” Adam could see that the presence of Robert had bothered him.

  
All Aaron could think of was the way that Brenda had said ‘ _he was your_ ’. It was one of the first times that anyone had ever referred to him and Robert as something more than an affair. As if Robert had belonged to Aaron somehow, the thought was unsettling ‘ _he was never mine_ ’ he told himself.

  
“Yeah I'm fine mate.” Aaron lied.

  
Robert headed towards the door, his head telling him to walk straight past, his heart telling him to say something,  
“When you open I need to have a look at the books.”

  
Adam looked up, shocked that Robert’s mind was only interested in how much money the scrap yard was making,  
“Yeah come by Vic’s later and I'll give it to ya."

  
Robert nodded and walked out.  
“Can you believe the nerve on him?” Adam sighed sipping on his coffee.

  
Aaron could, it was typical Robert. It was his sick way of keeping control of something as he watched everything else slip away.

 

-

 

Aaron had made his excuses to Adam about not going to the scrap yard. Apparently Cain had call him into the garage for an emergency call out.

  
Aaron walked through the village aimlessly trying his best to block out the memories of the disaster,  
“It was all me."

  
Victoria headed out from the pub and noticed Aaron,  
“Oi skiver!”

  
Aaron saw Victoria marching over and quickly began to think of excuses to make.

  
“Why aren't you at the scrap yard?”

  
Aaron fidgeted in the spot, “I'm … I've just come back from a call out.”

  
Victoria noticed something wrong with Aaron, "Are you gonna tell me what's up?"

  
Telling Victoria wasn't the worst idea but he couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud,  
“What? Nothing I'm going back now so you don't need to whine to Adam about me slacking alright?”

  
Victoria stood shocked as Aaron began to walk off.

  
“Oi." Victoria finally caught up with him.

  
Aaron stopped in his tracks, he couldn't bring himself to even look Victoria in the eye,  
“What Vic?”

  
“Right I've got an hour, your coming back to mine and that's that! I'm not taking no for an answer!”

  
Aaron weighed up his options and it didn't take him wrong realise that Victoria won't let him go that easily.

 

-

 

“Here have this,” Victoria approached a nervous looking Aaron with a pink mug of tea.

  
Aaron eyed up the mug,  
“Really?!”

  
Victoria tried not to laugh,  
“What that's Finn’s favourite mug of mine!”

  
“Oh and because we're both gay we must love the same things?!”

  
Victoria sighed, “Oi stop jumping down my throat will ya!”

  
Aaron sighed realising that Victoria was only trying to help.

  
“Look I'm sorry alright.”

  
Victoria sat beside him, she had known him since they were kids and she knew when he was lying and upset,  
“Listen … Aaron, you can talk to me you know that.”

  
Aaron sat awkwardly and sighed,  
“Okay … okay.”

  
Victoria sat wide eyed.

  
“Vic … everything that's happened… it's all down to me." Aaron couldn't hold it in any longer the tears began to fall.


	2. I wish it had been me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Victoria knows the truth about Aaron's guilt - who will she tell before its too late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a direct continuation of the last, hope you enjoy X

Vic starred at the floor for a few seconds trying hard to grasp what exactly Aaron meant. Then her thoughts turned to Robert and Chrissie and realised exactly what he had meant,  
“Oi you listen to me okay.” Victoria saw her friend looking so helpless, tears fell from her eyes fast and remembered all what he had been through. “What happened between you and Robert, it didn't help things… but don't think for a second that what happened… the disaster was down to you.” Victoria was firm in her delivery looking at Aaron straight in his eyes which were swimming in tears.

  
Aaron sighed heavily, nodding slightly. He knew Victoria meant well but he couldn't hid how he felt. Aaron looked at Victoria, thankful for her support then let out a cry,

  
“Oh Vic I've ruined everything.” Aaron breathed heavily, resting his head in his hands.

  
“Nothing, okay how were you supposed to know!” Victoria was shocked at the state Aaron had found himself in but was grateful for his openness, something that he had struggled with in the past.

  
“I've ruined lives.” It was all Aaron could say.

  
“Who's?” Victoria sat wide eyed again listen tentatively to Aaron's confessions.

  
Aaron’s tears had stopped as he lifted his head up and rested his face on his hands,   
“Because of me … because I couldn't just leave Robert be, Ruby and Val and that poor pilot died. That was down to me Vic.”

Aaron stared at her awaiting a response.

  
“Aaron! Listen to me, I don't know a lot about you and Robert but what you did … telling her. It must have been for a reason.” Aaron's thoughts raced back to the lodge. He's heart raced as he remembered walking up to the gates of Home Farm ready to destroy Robert’s empire. “What Chrissie did now that was the reason it all went wrong, not you! All over her fella sleeping with someone else!”

  
Aaron shot a look to Victoria, “Oh yeah right like you didn’t do anything stupid after Adam and Vanessa!”

  
“That's complete different!”

  
Aaron got up quickly noticing the guilt build in Victoria’s eyes.

  
“No don't go, not like this!” Victoria ran in front of Aaron quickly blocking his exit.

  
“Move Vic!”

  
“No alright! I get it! You're upset and guilty about you and Robert – but this isn't your fault! I know you Aaron! I know that you won't let this go … please just stop beating yourself about it." Victoria was face to face with Aaron now, on the brink of tears.

  
Aaron starred at her, his friend, the girl he'd known since he was kids. The person who had supported him throughout everything.

  
Aaron was shaking now and breathing heavy,  
“It dosen’t matter what you say Vic,” Victoria sighed deeply, moving away from Aaron and running her fingers through her tangled hair. “This isn't about me and Robert, its me … it's what I've done again … first Jackson and now look,” Aaron felt tears roll down his face. “I've done even worse this time ey! And now … I just wish it was me instead.”

  
Victoria starred at Aaron in complete shock, her eyes growing wider. Aaron noticed her concern and realised he shouldn't have told her anything, he made a dart for the door. He shut the door loudly and stood at the gate breathing erratically. Aaron looked round at the village, Vanessa stood by the café with Adam, Aaron charged through the village without looking in their direction. Keeping his head firmly focused on the ground.

“Oi watch it!” It was a familiar voice. Robert’s. Without even looking Aaron had charged straight into him sending Robert’s paperwork flying. “Oh Aaron.” Robert sighed.  
Aaron stood startled by his presence,  
“I … I … get outta my face Robert.” Aaron spat before walking on at Robert struggled to pick up the scattered papers.

 

-

 

As Robert knelt on his knees he pictured Aaron’s face again. He was sure he had been crying, his heart bested faster as he remembered how unnerved he appeared in the café. What had changed he thought?

  
“Need a hand there?” Vanessa asked as her and Adam walked over to Robert.

  
Adam stood awkwardly looking down on Robert, “Oi you're preggas!” Adam stated as her saw Vanessa bend down slowly clutching her stomach. Adam knelt down faster picking Vanessa up and gathering the remaining paper work for Robert.

  
“Thanks,” Robert nodded.

  
“What was all that about with Aaron?” Adam couldn't help but ask as he recalled why the papers had ended up in the middle of the road.

  
Robert shuffled his feet slightly, looking at his feet.

  
“He er … just ran into me… no big deal.” Robert said trying hard to play down the state Aaron was in.

  
“Right well um … come by later for the scrap yard stuff yeah.” Adam knew something had happened so quickly made his excuses to leave, dropping Vanessa home.

 

-

 

Aaron felt sick as he recalled seeing Robert again. Again he thought. Twice in a matter of hours. Aaron shock his head furiously as he sat on a bench just outside the village. Seeing Robert made his guilt feel ten times worse as he thought about the lead up to the disaster.

  
 _Because he was with me!_ Aaron's head dropped down slowly as he tried his hardest to forget everything.

“Hey Vic, I'm home! Just seen your twat of a brother.” Adam called out as he placed his keys on the table near the door. “Oh and hint hint I’m not talking about Andy!”

  
Adam’s grin faded as he walked inside the living room and saw Victoria sitting quietly on the the sofa. Aaron moved into the room, sitting on the table opposite the sofa,  
“Babe what's wrong?” Adam first thought about Vanessa, maybe he had seen them together. He rolled his eyes as he told himself how stupid he was. “Is this about Vanessa because if it is -"

  
Victoria came out of her trance sharply at the mention of Vanessa’s name and met Adam’s eyes, “What no! It's just…” Victoria held back not sure whether to worry Adam about his best friend.

  
“Babe! Vic your scaring me. What's happened?” Adam was starring right back at Victoria now, seeing the puffiness surrounding her eyes.

  
“I don't want to upset you,” Victoria sighed heavily, dropping her head down.

  
Adam shifted slightly, his heart beating faster. Adam moved his hand towards Victoria’s chin prompting her to left her head.

“Is it me?” Adam felt a lump in his throat, imagining Victoria telling him she didn't love him anymore.

  
“No! Never! It's … Aaron.” Victoria said squeezing Adam’s hand tightly. 

  
Adam lifted his head sharply,  
“Aaron? What's he done.”

  
“I saw him in the village… he wasn't right. So I told him to come here, to talk. And then he just started blaming himself for everything.” Victoria felt her heart beat faster. Adam rubbed her arm gently trying to figure out why Aaron would think he was to blame. “He said that the helicopter crash was down to him… Adam he's convinced that because he told Chrissie… he caused it all." Adam stared confused by what Victoria had told him.

“How? That's mad, he didn't make Chrissie light that car!” Adam felt himself getting angrier as he thought about his best friend carrying all that guilt.

  
“I know! I told him, I begged him to leave it. We know what he's like! What he could do when he's like this!” Victoria shouted as Adam shook his head sighing deeply.

  
“It all makes sense now, this morning he didn't want to go anywhere near the scrap yard! I should've known! I'm supposed to be his best mate!” Adam could've kicked himself as he realised how stupid he had been. “I'm gonna go find him!”. Adam let go of Victoria’s grip and headed towards the door.

  
“Where are you going” Victoria should standing up shocked by Adam's state.

  
“He just saw Robert alright, outside near the café he's probably just walking around somewhere.” Adam recklessly put his coat on, Aaron's state of mind playing heavy on his own.

  
Victoria mouthed a word or two before pulling back again, Adam had noticed.

  
“What Vic? What aren't you telling me?" Adam shouted growing frustrated.

  
“What he said … before he left. He said he wished it was him instead.” Victoria sighed remembering her initial shock. Adam stood shocked, placing his hands on his cheeks in disbelief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumbr - Fangirlqueen87! Message me any ideas for the next chapters! I already have a few ideas and its looking very tense!


	3. All because of you ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Aaron still alone and depressed will Adam and Victoria him in time? Or will somone concerned and worried slow down the process

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter originally went on for a bit longer but I decided that this was a good place to leave it! Good news is I have the next chapter ready to upload now I've split this one! When I upload it will probably depend on the feedback for this chapter!

Knock knock.

  
Adam and Victoria stood startled visibly shaken by Victoria's confession. Adam walked slowly to the door hesitantly pulling it open only to be met by a smug looking Robert who was resting his back on the wall of their cottage.

  
“What was all that racket!” Robert laughed. “I could hear you from down the street, shame to think you were arguing, how long you been married for again?” Robert was grinning now relishing in the fact that Adam and Victoria were arguing.

  
Adam starred blankly at Robert, he could hardly bring himself to look at the man who had caused his best friend so much pain.

  
Robert stood wide eyed and let out a comical gasp,  
“What no comeback?” Robert tutted. “Got to say Adam your letting me down.”

  
Adam stood awkwardly,  
“What do you want Robert?” Adam sighed hoping he would go away as soon as he got what he needed.

  
Robert waved a hand at Adam’s direction,  
“Scrap yard papers, you said to come round."

  
Adam stood up straight,  
“Oh right, er … one minute yeah,” Adam darted back inside and started rummaging through shelves hoping to find the papers as quickly as possible.

  
Victoria began to wave her arms round frantically, “Well… Is it Aaron or not?” Victoria whispered badly, instantly alerting a bored Robert who was now sitting on their wall outside.

  
Aaron. Robert tried to block out the fact that he picked up a nervous tone in his sisters voice but he couldn't help but charge straight through to the living room where Adam was signalling to Victoria in an attempt to stop her mentioning Aaron.

  
Victoria stood confused as Robert entered looking as concerned as she was, “What do you mean by that?” Robert said starring at Victoria, watching as she fumbled on her words.

  
“What … what are you on about now?” Victoria laughed trying her hardest to hide her nervous state of mind.

  
“Aaron you just … you said where's Aaron. Why did you sound so worried?”

 

Adam watched helplessly as he saw the worry build in Robert's eyes. The thought of telling Robert anything about Aaron made him feel sick. As far as he was aware, Robert was the reason why Aaron was grumpier than usual, why he often wanted to be left alone and why he began to push himself so hard. He hated Robert.

  
“Right that's enough, nothing alright, she meant nothing by it." Adam had moved from the shelves over to Robert now standing opposite him, protecting his wife from more questions.

  
Robert's heart began to race as he saw how Adam's eyes began to dart across the room avoiding his stare entirely.

  
“What you think I believe you?” Robert laughed watching Adam fidget slightly. “I don't care what you think mate, just get out.” Adam was shouting now realising that time could be running out. “I'm not going anywhere until I speak to my sister.”

Robert was stern with his response as he began to imagine Aaron in danger. Robert shut his eyes momentarily, struggling to block out the images racing through his mind. Picturing Aaron in pain was too much to bare.

  
“Look Rob … it was nothing alright! You're overacting.” Victoria had tried her best to be as convincing as possible but realised her attempt had failed as she saw how Robert reacted.

  
He was angry now. Angry that even his own sister didn't realise how much Aaron meant to him. Not even enough to tell him that they thought Aaron was in danger.

  
“There you go! She said it, now go!” Adam shouted waiting for Robert to turn round and leave.

  
“I'm not going anywhere” Robert said knowing his sister was lying. Adam let our a heavy sigh. “You always were a terrible liar Vic!” He continued. Victoria stood defeated staring at the floor embarrassed that Robert had seen though her lies.

  
“Look just … just tell me what's going on!” Robert said impatiently. Images of Aaron raced through his mind as he awaited a response. Aaron's cheeky smile only a few people had seen filled his mind as he looked at Adam and Victoria.

  
“Why? Because you care so much ey!” Adam spat spitefully. Robert rolled his eyes the thought of justifying his feelings to Adam Barton of all people made him feel inferior but he was desperate for the truth, desperate for Aaron. “Of course I care! Why would I be here if I didn't” Robert shouted. “I dunno mate it's just not everyday you hear a bloke so concerned about his bit on the side.” Adam shouted back moving closer to Robert. 

"Adam,” Victoria whispered noticing the gap between the men growing smaller.

  
Robert felt his heart race faster. ‘Bit on the side’ it made him feel sick. Knowing that the term was even associated with Aaron made him burn inside. Robert had never referred to Aaron that way because he knew he was so much more. Aaron wasn't just a bit of fun or an escape from everyday life for Robert, he was so much more. Hearing someone refer to Aaron as anything less than the amazing person he knew he was made him feel tense all over.

  
“Don't call him that.” Robert spat, breathing even heavier than before.

  
Adam placed his hands on his cheeks playfully,  
“Oh sorry what is it you call him then ey… Lap dog, victim -” Adam couldn't resist winding Robert up further, watching as he blinked fast trying to process exactly what Adam thought of him.

  
Robert felt his rage build as he lunged towards Adam, pushing Victoria in the process who had quickly ran in front of Adam in an attempt to stop Robert.

  
“Robert!” Victoria pulled him back and stood between them. “None of this is gonna make sure Aaron’s alright.” She panted.

Robert looked down at his little sister sharply,  
“So I was right then!” Robert began to breath erratically as he wondered how badly Aaron could be.

  
Adam rolled his eyes and sighed once more,  
“Oh just shut up Robert! Stop pretending you care about anyone but yourself!” Adam pointed his finger straight at Robert yet Robert stood unnerved to angry to notice his wagging finger.

  
“You think you know me? You think you know me and Aaron! Well you don't do ya! I mean Aaron made sure of that right?” Robert shouted back, smirking slightly. It was petty he knew it was but he couldn't resist. Ever since he came back Adam had been almost always associated with Aaron. The told each other everything, Aaron had sacrificed everything for Adam and they appeared closer than close.

Jealousy didn't come close to what Robert felt. Yet whenever Robert felt this way he thought about the fact that Aaron hasn't told Adam about him. He would convince himself that the truth coming out wasn't the only reason for Aaron not to tell Adam. He thought about how they shared so much together- the business being one of the main things and how Aaron having something that was only his made Robert feel special. Knowing that Aaron thought of Robert as special and ‘only his’ made him smile weakly as he starred at Adam knowing he had probably touched a nerve.

Adam stood starring at Robert. Looking at his weak smile spreading across his face. His thoughts turned to him and Aaron and all they been through. How there was never any secrets or lies until Robert came along.

His heart raced as he imagined Robert manipulating his best friend into keeping quiet. Adam became overcome with rage and hatred for his brother in law.

  
“You know what mate! You're right I don't know about your sordid little affair but what I do know is that my best mate is probably doing something stupid like hurting himself again! Right now ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's lovely hearing support from people and I hope it contiunes. I originally planned for this story to be four chapters but I have so many ideas surround it I'm eager to right many more!


	4. 'What have I done?'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has a moment of realisation, Adam becomes even more desperate to find his friend, Aaron craves peace one and for all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty short and continues straight after the last!

Regret. As soon as Adam had finished he regretted what he had said. Telling Robert wasn't right, he had no right to know anything about Aaron.

  
Victoria stood in front of her brother and husband as she watched Robert’s face begin to crumble. “Adam!” She was stunned as she saw his face fall to the ground as he clenched his fists tightly. Adam finally let go of his anger as he stared at Robert, he noticed his pale complexion and the tears filling in his eyes. It unnerved Adam. This wasn't the Robert he knew.

“Look I don't care I'm gonna find him.” Adam shouted as he headed towards the door. Robert felt his legs grow weak as he began to think of Aaron again. His mind became flooded with images once more. This time they were vivid and bright, catching Robert's attention. It was Aaron alone in the woods. April. The worst part of the whole affair.

The pain he had caused him. All the endless pain. He saw Aaron lying there on the muddy floor of the forest, he recalled how weak he looked. How vulnerable Aaron was to all the darkness of the world. To him. He remembered his thoughts when him and Chas finally found him, just as he began to unbutton his jacket to place over a fragile Aaron.

 _Never again_ he remembered telling himself. He had made a pact with himself that he would never hurt him again, the very idea was too much to even consider as he looked down at the person he loved more than anyone or anything in the world. Of course it was all a lie, weeks later he was back to his usual selfish self, ignoring Aaron, letting him down again. Instantly he's thoughts raced to the lodge. He couldn't bring himself to think any further…

Robert sat crouched against the wall as he slowly shook his head realising what a monster he was. Picturing Aaron lying dead somewhere because of him. Chas was right… he was poison.

  
“Just open!” Adam shouted as he attempted to open the door battling with his shaking hand. The door swung open, letting in a cool breeze that filled the tense cottage.

  
“Rob,” Victoria whispered nothing her brother place his face in his hands trying to hid his emotions.

  
The cool air travelled through to the living room, alerting Robert and making him jump up abruptly,  
“Vic I … I need to find him. I've got to." Robert said as he began to make his way out of the door following Adam who had already unlocked the gate was heading towards the garage.

  
Victoria noticed Robert’s puffy red face, just like hers had been a few hours ago, “Maybe you should just let Adam go," she shouted calling after Robert who had just approached the gate. Robert stopped in his tracks and turned to face Victoria “I need to find him Victoria… I love him.”

Robert felt numb all over as he finally admitted his feelings to Victoria who nodded twice, signalling for Robert to follow Adam. Victoria stood by the gate as she watched Robert race up Adam. 

  
“Please be okay Aaron,” she whispered to herself, suddenly realising what it would do to Robert if he wasn't.

  
“Adam wait up!” Robert said as he approached Adam. “Listen we can fight all the way, and take hours finding him or we can work together and find him quicker!” Robert said trying his hardest to reason with Adam who could barley look at him.

Adam sighed, “Fine. Whatever.”

  
Robert nodded gratefully.

 

-

 

Aaron knelt down to look at the stream running a few feet away from him as he sat lazily on a bench. He had been there for what felt like days. Watching and starring and thinking. He thought about Victoria first, about how he left her looking so distressed all because of him. He felt sick with guilt once more imagining her thinking the worst. Then he thought of Adam coming home to find Victoria so upset, worrying that he had done something wrong. Typical Adam always assuming the worst about himself. Aaron smirked, picturing Adam replay all his mistakes in his head. Predicting that Vanessa would probably the first name that would spring to mind. And then as he starred out to the fields he thought about him. He couldn’t say his name. The thought made him disgusted.

Everything that Aaron thought he knew had been a lie. As he sat on the bench he began to believe everything Robert ever said was a lie. _I love you and I can't watch you suffer_ the words rang in his ears loudly. Although he tried his hardest to blame Robert for his mistakes he knew it was all his fault. The helicopter crashed because of him. Ruby and Val and the pilot had died because he was to childish to listen to Paddy. To walk away and let him destroy his life. Yet he couldn't. He couldn't be sure that Robert would ever destroy his own life, he was too smart for that. The rage that built inside him had exploded as he stood fighting back his tears as he waited for Chrissie and Robert to walk down the stairs and find the local mechanic standing in their kitchen.

If only he had walked away, if only.

  
Aaron starred down at the murky water catching his reflection as he did so. Aaron instantly ripped his eyes away and sighed. He couldn't bare to look at himself _murder_ he said to himself as he kicked a stone laying on the ground. "That's what they think ain't it, first Jackson… and now look what I've caused!" Aaron almost laughed as he thought about how messed up his life had become -  _I’m not even twenty five yet!_.

Aaron sighed as he stared up to the sky instantly thinking of Jackson "I bet your wishing I'd join ya up their mate ey! I bet it's all lovely up there, not like down here!" Aaron sighed as he squinted struggling to cope with the blinding light of the sun, defeated Aaron looked away from the sky finishing his chat with Jackson abruptly.

Aaron heard the rush of water crushing against the rocks and slowly began to speak once more, "I should really shouldn't I?" Aaron looked up to the sky again this time ignoring the blinding light, "Join ya I mean … I reckon it's about time. Don't you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter- plenty more to come ;)


	5. Sweet innocene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the search turning stale, will an unlikely villager stop Aaron from doing something he might regret?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd add another character into the mix! Hope you enjoy ;)

It had been two hours since Robert and Adam begrudgingly began to look for Aaron together. It hadn't been a success. As It grew darker, the hope of finding Aaron grew smaller and smaller, becoming more present in Robert's eyes as him and Adam walked aimlessly around the deserted village.

The two men stopped in their tracks as they approached the café which was now firmly shut, Robert let out a sigh of relief as he sat down slowly on the cold chair facing directly towards the pub. Robert gulped quickly as he imagined what Chas would have to say about the whole matter, _this is all Robert,_ he said to himself imagining her become unhinged as she faced the prospect of discovering her son dead all because of _Robert FLAMMING Sugden._ It had becoming a nickname for him, regarding Chas and Paddy, he had heard it many times whenever he had done something wrong regarding Aaron.

Adam stood staring  at Robert who looked clearly deflated by the whole situation. _Scum_ he thought to himself as Robert began to place his head in his hands. Victoria was the only thing stopping Adam from lunging head first at Robert and making sure he payed for what he had done, for everything he had caused for his best friend.

 

-

 

“Well this is hopeless!” Robert sighed starring helplessly at an angry looking Adam.

Adam let out a small life as he gazed down at the floor, “Good thing I don't give up so easily eh." Robert quickly pulled his head up noticing a competitive tone in Adam's voice.

Robert's blood began to boil as he remembered all the sacrifices Aaron had made for the man he was starring blankly at. He had often wondered why, why Aaron would give up his life in the village for Adam. Whenever he seemed to question it, Victoria would subconsciously remind him of how loyal Adam had been throughout Aaron coming out and after Jackson had died and _of course everything in between._ Robert craved the respect and love Aaron had for Adam. It seemed so simple for them, it was something Robert wanted more than anything.

“I'm not giving up." Robert stood up sharply squaring Adam up, “I'm just saying I think we should … you know call the police or something.” Robert said realising how serious the situation had become very quickly.

  
“You what? And have Paddy and Chas going out of their minds with worry!” Adam shouted, reliving all the worry and upset Chas and Paddy had already faced because of Aaron. Robert sighed heavily “I don't care how worried they'd be! If it gets Aaron back quicker than it has to be done!” Robert knew Adam was right, telling Chas would only make her hysterical and make Paddy fumble around aimlessly. They would be useless in helping.

  
“Well we've got to do something! Before it's too late!” Adam demanded, before heading inside his cottage and telling a distressed Victoria that there was no sign of him.

 

-

 

Aaron had made his way towards the grave yard, tracing along the headstones until he found it.

Aaron looked down sadly, _Donna Windsor, loving mother, daughter and friend._ Aaron starred down looking at his first mistake since he came back. ‘If only ey’ Aaron thought to himself. His thoughts turned to Ross. What was taken from him, how horrible and cruel he had become all because the love of his life had been taken from him so tragically.

Tears began to fall. "I'm so sorry." Aaron mumbled, he thought about Marlon. How he had been left with such responsibility, taken care of a child he had not known about for more than a year. His own family. Aaron had always blamed Ross for Donna’s death, getting her involved in such dangerous jobs but his mind had become poisoned, filling all memories with a cloud of guilt. He came to the realisation that if he had let Adam stop that low life that was after them, Donna would have had more moments with her family, more memories to make with her daughter before it was too late. Aaron looked down facing his first mistake since coming back, before turning to his right and peering at his first ever real mistake. Jackson.

Aaron slumped to the floor picking at the grass as he gazed at the head stone sitting opposite him. "I'm sorry." Aaron sighed looking up to the sky again, "The thing is … I can't do it. You know end it all. I was gonna, you know by the stream … just… just let it all stop. But then I thought about my mum… Paddy, Adam, Vic, Uncle Zack and Lisa, Debs, our Belle and Sammy… God even Cain," Aaron stopped as he began to realise how many people would be effected by his death. "Robert," he mumbled, sighing deeply.

He didn't want to admit that he was in his mind so began to pluck at the grass aggressively. " I won't top myself, tried remember and Adam ended up kissing me outside the garage. I mean he said it was mouth to mouth! But we both know the truth about that one!" Aaron chucked to himself before pulling out a sharp shard of glass.

"But this might help." Aaron raised the sleeves of his shirt exposing his arm, Aaron starred holding the shard in his right hand. Just as he was about to stab the glass into his forearm and feel the familiar sensation of calm, Aaron heard a small voice standing behind him.

“Are you here to see my mummy?” Aaron shot round quickly placing the glass in his pocket and rolling down his sleeves, it was April starring excitingly at Aaron, behind her stood Marlon who held a bunch of roses in his left hand, looking worriedly at Aaron.

“You alright mate?” Marlon asked concerned for his cousin who looked blankly at him. Who's eyes were red from tears, and who's hair looked scruffy and too messy to control.

Aaron couldn't help but stare at April, the innocent girl who stood so comfortably in his company. His own little cousin, however son distant it was, who's life he had destroyed, Aaron began to feel confused as the guilt began to wash away instead of build inside, it seemed like the innocence of April had disintegrated the guilt Aaron carried round with him – at least temporarily…

A smile had replaced his frown as he nodded slowly at Marlon, not taken his eyes of the small child who was still starring at him almost fascinated by his presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for much more coming Aaron's way ...


	6. "Have you seen my mummy?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Aaron is no longer alone, will the comfort of April and Marlon be enough to make him see things differently?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried making this chapter slightly lighter and shorter! More to come!

Aaron sat awkwardly on the muddy grass, keeping his eyes firmly on the little girl who stood so confidently in front of him. Aaron smiled to himself weakly, Paddy had always teased him about how amazing he was with Leo, being able to stop him from crying almost instantly was what Paddy admired most. Yet Aaron always told himself it was because of how much Leo meant to Aaron, he would brush off the label of ‘being good with kids’. However as April continued to focus her attention on Aaron, his confidence began to grow slightly.

Marlon stood nervously at Aaron. He was instantly made aware of how volatile Aaron could be as he peered of Aaron's shoulder and read the gold painted name at the top. He knew Aaron had changed since he came back all those years ago, he had grown into a strong, kind hearted man. Yet as he saw him looking so lost and alone his thoughts couldn't help but trace back to the darker times. The times he never would be able to forget.

“We … er… we came to put some flowers on Donna’s grave.” Marlon said nervously. Aaron starred at him and sighed, he had always been so nervous in front of Aaron as if he didn't want to cause any harm or offence. Aaron used to find it incredibly insulting as he often thought that Marlon was scared of how unpredictable he could be, however as he starred at his cousin he saw the concern in his eyes. The sincerity.

The mention of Donna’s name made the cloud grow thick was guilt again, Aaron and Marlon had never sat down and had a proper conversation about Aaron's involvement in Donna’s death. Aaron looked away sharply and starred down at the grass, after noticing April’s smiley face.

  
“Right then. Don't let me stop ya." Aaron said looking up at Marlon once more. He had tried to be as polite as possible noticing how worried Marlon seemed for him. It hasn't worked though, his tone was fast and stern as if he was ordering Marlon to leave him alone. He hoped Marlon hadn't noticed as he starred at him.

Marlon had noticed. “Right come on then darling,” he said, tugging at April’s arm in attempt to usher his daughter away from his troubled cousin. April wasn't budging. “Did ya see my mummy?” April asked eagerly, smiling at Aaron who had been startled by her loudness.

  
Aaron blinked quickly. “Er yeah I … I stopped by and … said hello”.

  
Marlon sighed deeply, blinking slowly as he looked at Aaron touched by the remark. Aaron quickly looked at Marlon “I … I hope that's okay.” He asked worriedly. Marlon nodded slowly in an attempt to ease the tension building though Aaron's body.

April had taken her eyes off Aaron now and instead was looking at the headstone he was resting his head on.

  
“Who's Jackson?” April asked abruptly. Aaron looked up sharply taken aback by her confidence. Marlon shook his head in embarrassment as he peered down to his daughter. 

  
“April! What … what have I told you about saying inappropriate things to people!”

  
April starred at her father confused by his sudden outrage,  
“I was only asking,” April mumbled to herself whilst playing with the buttons of her cardigan. Aaron had been given a few minutes to prepare a decent reply, he shook his head swiftly noticing Marlon beginning to apologise for his daughters actions,  
“Don't worry about it Marlon.” Aaron sighed turning his head towards April who was starring at him again. “Jackson was … he was really special to me." Aaron began, fidgeting with the zip of his hoddie nervously.

April stared confused before crying out “Was he your boyfriend!” Marlon gasped embarrassed once again by his daughter.

“April!” Marlon’s cheeks bean to blush a crimson red as he stood open mouthed and began apologising profusely.

  
Aaron began to chuckle, “Yeah er he was darling,” he laughed looking at April who is confused once again by her fathers embarrassment.

  
“What's so funny?” April asked her father who's face was still red. “Mummy said it dosen't matter if people are gay because they can't help it." She continued.

  
Marlon fumbled on his words nervously “Of course!” He shouted. “It's er just er … Aaron might not have wanted to talk about … er you know.” Marlon stammered.

“How did you know I was gay anyways?” Aaron asked April. “Did you tell her?” He continued pointing at Marlon who still stood sheepishly. Marlon looked wide eyed “Me” he shouted pointing to his chest. “No! Well … no sorry I didn't meant to make it sound like I didn't tell her er because it was er a problem or out” Marlon was fumbling again.

"Course not." Aaron grinned.

“Ross told me." April said sweetly. Aaron smirked thinking of just how Ross would have told his cousin. “When did he er tell ya?” Aaron asked April.

  
“When he came round for tea with Carly and me," April sighed. “Auntie Carly said she wouldn't mind having a service at the garage,” she continued confused by the sudden outburst of laughter by Aaron. “So Ross said good luck with that because Cain and Dan are happily married which means the only available option is a guy who doesn’t look gay so gets hitted on but actually is.” April seemed exhausted by having to remember the conversation exactly. Aaron smiled weakly picturing Ross bad mouthing him to people - it was typical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is already complete and ready to go! Tad longer and full of angst and fighting!


	7. Fading ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending time with April and Marlon, Aaron makes his way back to the village but what will he find when he arrives back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Slightly longer juicer chapter here for you!

Minutes had passed before Marlon made another attempt to leave,  
“Okay sweetie lets go see mummy,” he sighed beginning to hold April’s hand. Aaron felt a sad felling build in his heart, there was something so innocent and sweet about April that made him forget the bad. A connection between them. A bond they both shared because they had both lost people they loved so cruelly.

“Can I pick some flowers to put on Jackson’s grave?” April asked her father who looked impatiently at her. Marlon let out a sigh of relief as he starred at Aaron who looked touched by the little girls kindness.

  
“Go on then! But don't take all day.” Marlon shouted as he watched April pick small daises from the ground afar.

  
Aaron stood up next to Marlon, both men watching April pick the flowers from the ground so delicately.

  
“So … rough day ey?” Marlon asked Aaron concerned about why he had found him at Jackson’s grave. Aaron couldn't just ignore the question. “Yeah you er could say that yeah,” he sighed heavily starring down at the ground. “Listen … I know what's happened between you and Sugden … Well I don't know exactly but I reckon I can gather. Not like I was thinking mind! Oh gosh that sounded so wrong.” Marlon stammered nervously trying his best to string a sentence of comfort together for his cousin who was starring blankly at him. “What I mean is… I know you and I bet you’re the one who feels the most guilty about it all." He continued as Aaron looked at him surprised that he knew him so well.

  
“Something like that." Aaron sighed.

  
“And then the whole helicopter stuff, you probably think it'd your fault as well right?” Marlon said trying his hardest to work out why Aaron had been so down lately.

  
Aaron was shocked once again and just simply nodded in agreement.

  
Marlon sighed heavily,  
“Look Aaron if everyone lived their life's regretting things that they had no control over imagine what the world would be like?” Marlon said thinking back on his own experiences.

  
Aaron nodded again this time starring at April who was now running over to show him the flowers she had picked.

  
“Do ya like em?” she panted showing Aaron and Marlon the leaf wrapped bouquet she had created. “Oh my! It's lovely darling!” Marlon said enthusiastically.

  
Aaron bent down looking April in the eye,  
“I love it." Aaron whispered softly, touching the flowers with his hand.

April walked away to Jackson's grave and placed the flowers down delicately as Aaron began to walk away slowly and admire the little girl. Aaron knelt down beside her as Marlon watched on from a comfortable distance still clutching at the roses he was holding.

“I think Jackson is in heaven with mummy,” April whispered in Aaron's ear. The soft voice made his heart ache, as he imagined Jackson and Donna together. “Me too." Aaron whispered back, tears now filling his eyes.

“I betta go." Aaron said raising from his knees and beginning to walk over to Marlon who was gazing at Donna's headstone. April followed behind him, trying desperately to catch up to her cousin. Aaron still had tears filling in his eyes as he struggled to look Marlon in the eye.

Marlon looked at Aaron nervously before presenting him with his hand signalling a handshake, Aaron sighed deeply before pulling a surprised Marlon in for a hug. The hug lasted way too long and was extremely awkward and eerily quiet but in those few moments Aaron felt like he had finally made peace with Marlon, as if the hug had freed him from a fragment of guilt he felt. After the long hug, Aaron knelt down again to April and hugged her tightly promising to himself that he would visit her soon with Ross after hearing April’s pleas.

“You er sure you don't want a lift back?” Marlon asked Aaron as he began to walk towards the village again. “It's gonna get pretty dark soon.” Marlon continued.

Aaron turned around slowly and shook his head “I'm er, I'm fine thanks.” Aaron replied before making his way down the bumpy hill, slowly putting his hand back into his pocket.

 

-

 

Robert couldn't help but bite his nails as he sat anxiously on his sisters sofa, time was racing by quickly and Aaron still hadn't come home. Adam and Victoria stood by the kitchen trying desperately to ring anyone who might have heard from him.

Victoria let out a small scream of frustration as she slammed her phone down on the counter alerting a shocked Robert.  
“Cain said he hadn't see him since this morning!” Victoria sighed. “Seemed a bit suspicious though,” she continued.

Robert sighed before heading to the kitchen,  
“Oh well that's great! Cain the psychotic is all we need right now!” He shouted glaring at his sister. Adam felt his blood boil.  
“Oi don't talk about him like that alright!” Adam shouted pointing at Robert. “Oh you two best mates now after you tried killing him!” Robert shouted back.

Victoria moved between the two men once more “Don't be so horrible Rob! That was a long time ago, just leave it or go!”

Adam clenched his fists disgusted by Robert's evil words, his mind couldn't help but race back to how Aaron must have been treated by Robert. How much his friend would have suffered to his spiteful tongue.

“No leave it Vic! Carry on ey prove me right! Show me exactly how you bullied my best mate into keeping your dirty little secrets!” Adam was screaming now, his face full of rage as he starred at Robert disgusted by everything that he had done. Robert felt the guilt spread through his body, infecting his inside like poison. He hated how right Adam was about everything.

Robert's head told him to fight back, to hurt him as much as he was hurting but his heart told him other wise. Adam in pain instantly made Robert’s mind race to Victoria and Aaron in pain – something he never wanted. Robert sighed slowly, realising how much Adam meant to people he loved. “I'm leaving. Do me a favour Vic, run as fast as you can away from this low life!” Robert said to his sister before turning his back to Adam.

Adam's temper finally got the better of him as he began to hurl himself at Robert angrily shoving him out of his house, “You're not welcoming here!” He shouted, racing after Robert who had managed to escape the house without getting punched.

  
“Oi I'm not finished with you!” Adam shouted at Robert, ignoring Victoria's calls for him to come back inside. Robert stopped in his tracks and turned round to face Adam who was clenching his fists ready to fight.

“I think you should be a little nicer to me, I was the one who rescued ya from a burning car remember?” Robert smiled smugly remembering his unlikely heroic act.

  
“And what I'm forever in your debt then am I? Let's remember why I nearly got burnt alive ey!” Adam spat back. “Fair game for you to mess my best mate about.” He continued hatred for Robert beginning to overwhelm him.

 

-

 

Aaron had finally made it back to the village and stood near Paddy’s cottage, peering down at the village view. As he stood still, he saw Adam standing in the middle of the road starring someone down angrily. It took a matter of seconds for Aaron to realise who it was.

"Robert." Aaron sighed, before walking down to the scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is only short so I'll upload tonight ;)


	8. Back to the village

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Aaron seemingly safe and back in the village how will Victoria, Adam and Robert react to his reappearance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Hope you enjoy!

“Funnily enough Adam, when I was with Aaron you were the last thing on my mind.” Robert laughed. “Or Aaron's.” Robert winked, knowing he had only provoked Adam further.

  
“That's it!” Adam whispered before punching Robert straight in the jaw, nearly knocking Robert over.

Aaron quickened his pace as he saw Robert clutching at his jaw, tentatively nursing to the bruise that had been created so quickly by Adam's fist. Adam stood still breathing heavily, shaking as he looked away from Robert.

“What the hell is going on?!” Aaron shouted, looking at Adam square in the eyes awaiting an answer from his best mate. Adam stood in shock. Aaron stood there, his eyes puffy and red. He had been crying. Yet he was safe, he hadn't done anything stupid or rash. Adam stumbled on his words, completely shocked by Aaron's presence. Shocked yet so relived.

Robert turned his head round sharply, and instantly pulled his arm away from his jaw embarrassed that Aaron had seen Robert looking as vulnerable as he just did a few seconds ago. Robert knew he should have turned away, yet he couldn't. He couldn't help but examine Aaron from head to toe. He had to make sure he was okay, that he hadn't done anything to himself. As he starred at his ex lover, he began to see the redness around his eyes, he knew he had been crying not to long ago. His hair was messy, as if he had been lying or kneeling against something, his shoes muddy as if he has been walking through fields.

Aaron could feel the starring, it was burning him. He didn't want the pity, he couldn't help but feel guilty as he starred at them both. The worry that was so present in their eyes because of him, it was enough to make him want to run away again. Aaron stood uncomfortably as he waited for Adam to get his words out.

“It was er … nothing alright that's … this isn't important okay! Where … where have you been mate?” Adam said finally able to speak his mind. Aaron battled with himself as he struggled to decide whether or not to tell Adam the truth. Yet as his mind began to race, he realised that he didn't know what the ‘truth’ was exactly. He couldn't look at Adam, the worry in his eyes that he had created.

“I er … I was clearing my head that's all,” Aaron said eventually avoiding Adam's gaze. “Are you sure that's it! Listen mate Vic told me what you said, how ya feel about -”

Adam stopped and stared at Robert who instantly dropped his head in shame, “About what happened in the village hall." Aaron felt a lump in his throat, hearing someone else mention the crash made him feel sick to his stomach. It was as if in his mind it was safe and a secret yet when Adam had mentioned it, the whole thing seemed to becoming much more real - much more deadly.

Aaron stood mute, the silence between the three men was almost deafening until Robert stepped forward slightly much to the dismay of Adam who simply rolled his eyes.

“Aaron,” Robert said softly, noticing the emptiness behind Aaron's gaze. Aaron looked up at the man who starred at him so concerned, Robert looked so worried and kind hearted. It threw Aaron entirely. This wasn't the man who almost killed him. This was the man who had told him he loved him three times and made him feel like he was worth something. Aaron starred back, blinking wildly.

“Aaron,” Robert whispered this time, his voice breaking slightly as starred at a life he had ruined. The shell of a man who had once loved him unconditionally…

 

Aaron felt his heart beating fast as he starred wide eyed at Robert desperately hoping he would disappear. Adam shot Robert an angry look as he met Aaron's gaze momentarily and saw the state he was in.

  
“Do one Robert!” Adam shouted at Robert who still was gazing at Aaron.

Robert was startled by the sound of Adam's angry voice and turned to look at him instead. “Fine.” He sighed realising that it was for the best. As he turned away he couldn't help but stare at Aaron once more.

Over the last few hours, Robert had wanted more than anything to see Aaron's face again. He had told himself that the minute he saw him again, he wouldn't hesitate to hold on to him and never let him go. Yet Robert had soon realised how wrong he had been, seeing Aaron had been the complete opposite of what he had imagined. As Robert stumbled through the village making his way past the church, the guilt he felt began to spill out of him.

Tears of anger and disgust began to trickle down his face, falling one by one. Thoughts and feelings in Robert's mind began to fade entirely, until only Aaron was on his mind. _Only Aaron_ Robert whispered as he sat down on a bench resting his head back and sighing deeply.

The silence between Adam, Victoria and Aaron had become unbearable. As soon as Robert had walked off, Adam gestured for Aaron to come inside his house, Aaron agreed as he began to imagine going back to the pub and dealing with his mum. Victoria let out a sigh of relief as she saw Aaron standing in her doorway, without thinking Victoria threw her arms round Aaron. Aaron hated hugging, but couldn't push Victoria off – he didn't have it in him to be so cruel. Moments had passed since this had happened and Aaron was sitting quietly on the sofa as Adam and Victoria observed him from the kitchen.

“You gonna tell me what's up then?" Adam sighed making his way into the living room and sitting besides Aaron.

  
“Could ask you the same.” Aaron said looking down at Adam's swollen knuckles.

  
“Don't worry about that. It … it doesn’t matter.”

  
“What were you arguing about?”

  
Adam sighed heavily, too drained to lie, “You,” he said simply.

  
Aaron quickly began to imagine the harsh words and insults both men had said to the other.

  
“What's wrong with ya?” Aaron asked Adam angrily.

  
“He just wouldn't go away alright, he kept going on about how you kept stuff from me tryna wind me up!” Adam shouted frustrated by having to remember the horrible insults.

  
Aaron felt a lump grow in his throat, he didn't need anymore details, he knew Robert and how he acted. ‘I prefer verbal threats’ Robert was always so smug about the fact that he didn't need to raise a punch to win an argument.

  
“I get it … I know what his like but just … ignore him alright.”

  
“Yeah you do. Mate how the hell did you put up with him for so long?” Adam asked completely confused by the situation.

  
Aaron sighed, he had asked himself the same question thousands of times yet whenever it even entered his head he remembered all the happy times. Robert believing him, the moments no one knew about, the secret meetings but most of all the love. The love he knew Robert felt for him in his own sick little way Robert Sugden loved him. Yet that was then, now Aaron's mind only remembered, the lodge house, Paddy, Katie and running for miles to escape the guilt caused by him.

  
“No idea mate … no idea.” Aaron replied bending his head towards the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is nearly ready ;) 
> 
> Feedback always wanted! 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr : fangirlqueen87


	9. Reality ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Aaron really safe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Happy reading ;)

An hour passed and the prodding questions had stopped, the worry in Victoria’s eyes had faded and Adam had calmed down completely.

  
“Look, I’m sorry if … what I said scared ya." Aaron sighed starring at his two friends.

  
“Don't worry about it okay just as long as … you know your okay now yeah.” Victoria asked Aaron.

  
The question was too complex to answer properly, considering Aaron had no clue himself. The guilt had began to fade but it wasn't gone completely. Thoughts of suicide had escaped him but as he touched the shard of glass in his pocket gently he realised he still felt responsible.

  
“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, it was a simple answer. One he knew Adam and Victoria were desperate to hear.

  
Adam got up to hug his friend who had stood up and looked towards the door.

  
“Anytime mate. I'm here for ya," Adam whispered, noticing how fragile Aaron seemed in his arms. Aaron nodded again before kneeling down to hug Victoria and making his way towards the gate of the cottage starring frankly at the pub ahead. It was time to go home.

Robert sat uncomfortably on the bench, the wind picking up slightly as night drew closer. He had sat for what felt like hours hoping that Aaron had began to feel better, it was all he had thought about. Robert's thoughts finally changed as he realised he had to travel into town. It was where he was staying now that Eric hated his presence nearly as much as Chrissie's. Robert starred down at his phone, scrolling through his contacts searching for ‘TAXI MAN’. He couldn't drive, he was too drained to sit behind a wheel of a car and focus on anything other than Aaron.

  
“Hello yeah um a taxi to Hotten please.” Robert said getting up from the bench and walking back towards the village where the taxi would pick him up. “Yeah from Emmerdale village”.

 

- 

 

Robert had arrived back to the village within minutes of hanging up. Twenty minutes. That's how long Robert has to endure the cold breeze as he sat lazily on the bench outside the pub. He couldn't dare go inside as he peered up and realised the light in Aaron's room was on, signalling Aaron was home.

Robert sat for a few moments before he had someones heels approaching.

  
“All on your lonesome tonight ey." It was Chas grinning sarcastically.

  
“Looks like it." Robert responded grinning back.

  
“Shame that.”

  
“Is Aaron here?” Robert blurted out, making Chas stop collecting glasses and stare at him wildly.

  
“What's it to you?”

  
“Nothing … I … Er… nothing." 

  
“Let's keep it that way.” Chas said quietly before heading back inside to the pub.

 

Robert felt his cheeks shine a bright red as he watched Chas strut away angrily, ‘how stupid are you?’ he said to himself, kicking the back of the seat aggressively. He then began to wonder if his talk with Chas would be brought to Aaron’s attention, he began to sigh as he imagined Chas grilling Aaron about exactly what he had meant. He envisioned Aaron sitting on his bed completely numb to his mums harsh words, he was aware of how familiar his name was brought up in the frequent mother and son conversations.

 

- 

 

Robert was right, almost instantly Chas had marched up the stairs and entered her son’s room abruptly.

  
“Mum what the hell are ya doing!” Aaron shouted, sitting up on his bed and yanking out his headphones sharply.

  
“What's gone on eh?" 

  
“What are you on about now!” Aaron shouted walking towards his mum who looked slightly deranged.

  
“No don't lie to me I've just seen Robert!”

 

Aaron sighed deeply wondering what exactly he had told him mother.

  
“What di-d he er say to ya?" 

  
“He asked if you were here. As if, Aaron, he was looking for ya! Seeking you out!” Chas whispered realising Diane was in the living room taking her break.

  
“And what does that prove then!”

  
Chas stumbled slightly,  
“Well… your obviously still in his head!”

  
Aaron’s heart raced,  
“And that's my fault how?”

  
“Well why would he be thinking about ya if you've told him its over!” Chas sighed.

  
Tears began to fill in Aaron’s eyes desperate for him mum to believe him, desperate to believe himself.

  
“How many more times! I … I've told you it's over but … you – you still don't leave it!” Aaron shouted tears beginning to drop down his face.

  
Chas felt her heart break as she realised she had gone too far,  
“Love,” she said as stepped forward in an attempt to comfort her son.

  
The contact seemed unbearable for Aaron as she shoved her arm away roughly,  
“Don't.” Aaron sighed, “Just leave it, just go." 

  
For once Chas listened to her son’s request, turning round shutting the door behind her.

Aaron ran to his bed, whimpering now as if he were a child. Everything became dark and cold as Aaron sat numb on his bed starring down at his feet. The tears began to stop as he dived into his pocket revealing the familiar shard and sighing deeply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments :) 
> 
> Next chapter is ready to go and is slightly longer .. so be ready for another chapter soon...


	10. Familiar feeling ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Aaron finds himself alone again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Bit of a warning - if your sensitive about self harm maybe you should skip the end - don't want to offend anyone (just keeping it real)

Ten minutes had rolled by and Robert still sat uncomfortably on the pub’s seats outside. The wind began to pick up again as the sound of his phone began to ring ‘DIANE’ Robert sighed feeling guilty for wanting to decline the call. Begrudgingly Robert picked up.

  
“Hello?” Robert said calmly.

  
“Oh love where are ya? I'm having a bit of a crisis here!” Diane shouted panicky.

  
“I'm er … just outside waiting for a taxi.” Robert said deciding there was no need to lie.

  
“Well listen me and Doug are booking this holiday and this man on the phone is telling us that we need to pay a fine for not booking within the guidelines! Doug hasn't got the same charm as you pet, and to be honest I don't think he knows what his doing! I mean I'd help but I've got to go back to serving drinks love!” Diane said completely flustered.

  
Robert couldn't be less interested in Diane's problems, yet as he starred at the road and wondered if his taxi was running late he agreed to help.

 

-

 

“Look my step mum has told you that they don't know what you're on about! Could you explain why they actually need to pay some sort of fine?” Robert said arrogantly, lounging back on the sofa. Robert couldn't help but feel better about himself, he craved undermining people – it made him feel slightly superior. Something he hadn't experienced much since his gay love affair was revealed by his deranged wife.

Less than three minutes later the ‘crisis’ was resolved, it turned out Doug had booked a package deal which had expired four days prior. The company had offered it to them but had given them a charge for allowing them to have the package. Robert had quickly managed to work his charm and move his step mum and her boyfriend onto another flight and another package deal.

“Well," Diane said approaching the room and heading towards the kitchen. Robert sighed proudly smirking slightly as he explained the mix up.

  
“Two weeks, four star hotel and a tour guide for three days.” Robert smiled, letting his step mum realise what he had been up to.

  
“Oh I can't thank you enough pet." Diane said squeezing his shoulder as she made her way towards the door.

  
“No it's fine don't worry,” Robert sighed getting up and starring at his phone that was ringing.

  
“Hello.” Robert said walking towards the hallway.

  
“Sorry mate, the taxi is running late – about ten minutes,” the operator said rather apologetically.

  
Robert sighed, “Um okay just … er, it's fine.” Robert abruptly stopped the call, leaning against the wall.

Robert starred at the stairs, memories of Aaron racing through his mind. It became unbearable for Robert to look, the kisses, the touches, the confessions of love it was all too much. Robert stood up straight, looking up towards the stairs wondering if Aaron was in his room. Chas hadn't told him if he was there but he had sensed it, his light was on but as Robert looked at the stairs he realised it could have meant anything.

 

-

 

Aaron sighed deeply, breathing erratically as he held the shard of glass in has hand trembling slightly as he moved his arm towards the glass. He had battled with himself for the last ten minutes telling himself that he didn't need to do it. Yet every time he thought he had convinced himself, the familiar cloud of guilt overwhelmed him once more.

Robert slowly approached the stairs, pressing his foot slightly on the first step. He did this until he had made his way to the landing on the second floor, his heart began to race as he headed towards the bathroom. Robert starred at himself in the mirror, splashing his face with water in an attempt to make him wake up slightly. Robert had walked passed Aaron's room and hadn't seen him, he sighed in relief as he dried his hands on Diane's fluffy towel.

As he stood by the door, Robert peered over to the shower where a black and navy blue bottle of shower gel hanged next to a blue scrunchie. Robert couldn't help but move over to the shower and examine the bottle instantly realising it had to be Aaron’s. Robert lifted open the bottle and smelled the familiar scent letting it overwhelm him - the raw musky fragrance , the smell that reminded him of Aaron as he desperately recalled the times he had ran his fingers through Aaron's hair as they embraced in the summer mornings. It was enough to make tears fill in his eyes slowly. Robert ripped his eyes away and began to walk down the hallway.

Aaron sighed deeply, bringing his forearm closer towards the shard of glass. All at once the pain began to fade slightly as he pierced the the object through his skin, filling the shard with blood. Aaron winced as he began to examine the damage he had made. Suddenly, Aaron jerked round as he caught someone's reflection in his mirror. Aaron sat open mouthed as he starred frantically at a broken looking Robert who had heard the wincing sound as he began to walk down the stairs. Aaron looked at Robert’s eyes as the began to fill with tears once more, his face screwed up and confused.

  
“Aaron,” Robert said simply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a cliff hanger again! Next chapter is ready to go for tomorrow!


	11. Realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Robert realise the truth behind the scars ....?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! This chapter has been done from a few days ago but just managed to get it up! Hope you enjoy - slight warning there is mention of self harm ahead...

Aaron had never been more embarrassed, he hated the look on Robert’s face. It wasn't disgust or shame but guilt and sympathy, it made Aaron feel sick knowing that Robert of all people felt sorry for him. Aaron grew completely flustered as he got up quickly and began to wipe his tears away frantically. He knew Robert had seen the scars but he couldn't bare to question him about it. Aaron's heart sank as he saw the tears begin to flow down Robert’s face, he hated him for making him feel so guilty.

Robert stood perfectly still by the door, he hadn't moved since he saw the damage Aaron was doing to himself. He watched as Aaron covered away his arm and pressed down hard on his hoddie in an attempt to silence the raging blood spilling out, ruining the grey colour. Aaron looked helplessly at Robert, making Robert move closer in an attempt to comfort Aaron – it was all he could think of doing. The sight of the blood made Robert feel sick as he stepped closer to Aaron who hadn't backed away yet.

Aaron's breathing quickened in pace as he saw Robert approach him gently, he couldn't help but push him away – it was all he could do.

“Get out." Aaron whispered finally as he felt Robert touch his shoulder delicately.

“Please,” Robert whispered back tears filling in his eyes once more. “Let me… let me help you.”

“It's … it's done, you've had a good old look at the village freak! Now do one before I make ya." Aaron shouted pushing Robert towards the door.

Robert sighed holding on to Aaron's arm in protest, the two began to fight slightly. Robert struggling to pull Aaron's arm away from him, and Aaron desperately trying to push him away with all his strength. Suddenly Aaron let go, instantly growing tired and dizzy from all the fighting, all at once he rested his head softly on Robert's chest and began to weep.

Robert stood startled by the vulnerable, frail man who rested on his chest so weakly.

“It's … it's gonna be okay! Listen to me I'm … you … we are gonna get you through this alright?” Robert cried, kissing Aaron's head and holding him tightly.

Aaron felt numb as he held on to Robert, forgetting the guilt and sadness and feeling nothing at all. It was worse than anything he had experienced. As he rested on Robert, he didn't feel anything towards anyone, the thought frightened him as he quickly pulled away from Robert and walked towards the window turning his back.

“I said … just go." Aaron said bitterly facing the window.

“You think I'm gonna leave you like this!”

“Yeah, and what just happened- you don't tell anyone, you got that!” Aaron spat turning towards Robert again.

“What is that sorry? You cutting or you breaking down on me?"

Aaron sighed as he was reminded of how weak he had just been, “I said get out Robert! Just like I kept all your secrets, you can do the same!”

Robert instantly knew he had him over a barrel, know one else knew about Katie's death.

Robert sighed, and nodded slowly adamant that he wouldn't leave Aaron in the state he was in. Aaron slumped against the bed again, nursing the cut on his forearm – the bleeding had stopped but the pain carried on.

“Do you want me to get anything?” Robert whispered sitting on the bed next to Aaron.

Aaron sighed hearing the desperation present in his voice, he hated him but he knew he cared for him in his own messed up way.

“Just … er some dressing from the bathroom.”

Robert hurriedly ran into the bathroom, knocking over bottles of medicine as he managed to grasp the package of dressing for wounds.

“Here.” Robert said shaking as he rushed back into the room and delicately passed the package to Aaron. As soon as Aaron held them he began to tremble, the thought of Robert pitying him made him loose his grip and send the dressing all over the floor.

Robert raced to the floor and grabbed the package, breathing heavily as he looked up to Aaron who sat nervously on his bed. Aaron looked down at Robert who seemed so small and helpless in his eyes.

“Let me help you please, please let me." Robert whispered gazing up at Aaron.

“I – I’m sorry,” Robert sighed getting up and sitting on the bed next to Aaron. “I … I don't deal with … with stuff like this too well. When I saw those scars the first time – when they were across your stomach I -"

Aaron's head dropped slightly recalling the time he had caused them. “I didn't want to ask you about it because – it wasn't any of my business. Back then me and you … it was just … sex. That's why I thought I meant to you. I was terrified because – I was falling in love with you and I could see the damage you could do to yourself. I … I wish I'd of asked you, helped you back then. Because … when I found you in the woods, I've never been so scared Aaron. You were hurting and I … I didn't stop your pain. I … I caused it."

Robert was a mess, the pain and agony he felt spilled out all at once. Aaron looked hesitantly at Robert, he was seeing the old Robert again. This guilt he had never properly seen before.

Aaron stood up slowly peering down at Robert, “Why, d-didn't you just tell me this?”

“Because” Robert had no answer. “I just, I'm selfish and arrogant.”

  
Aaron chuckled,  
“You got that right.”

“Aaron.”

“You let me deal with the guilt, Katie. All by myself” fresh tears filled his eyes, the memory of Katie growing present in his mind once more. “I can't ever forget that. You tried to kill me."

“I know, I know and I hate myself Aaron. I'm so sorry. But deep down you know I could never do. I meant … I loved you.” Robert sighed. The same exact words spilt out from Robert’s lips, Aaron felt his heart race as he remembered that at the lodge, he was sure they would be the last words he ever heard.

“How do you live with yourself?” Aaron cried forcing his eyes away from Robert’s direction entirely. “Knowing that you … you killed her.”

Robert screwed his face up slightly, the memories fresh in his mind. The moment he watched her fall to her death as he stood helplessly above.

  
“I don't know.” Robert said flatly. In all honesty he had no idea how he had coped over the past months. Andy. He dealt with her death, by removing himself from the situation. He had pretended for so long, focusing his attention on helping Andy rather than facing up to what he had done. What he had caused.

“A-and Ruby and Val and that pilot.”

Robert starred at Aaron confused, “What?”

“If … we didn't have this affair. If … if I hadn't of told Chrissie, than they'd still be alive.” Aaron whimpered.

“That's – what happened it wasn't our fault! It wasn't yours Aaron please!”

“Of course it was! I told her, she went mad and my cousin nearly died because of me! My whole family was in danger!” Aaron shouted back.

Realisation overwhelmed Robert, he suddenly understood why Aaron was self harming again. His heart raced as the guilt he felt poured out of him, unleashing tears that overwhelmed him slightly. Aaron was hurting, in pain and suffering. All because of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely messages of support, next chapter will be up tomorrow!


	12. Peace ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Robert realises the extent of Aaron's self harming will he be able to get through to him or will be fuel Aaron's coping method?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading! X

Robert struggled to speak, trying his best to hold back the tears that wanted to flow down his face,  
“T-that's why. That's why your hurting yourself.”

Aaron nodded calmly,  
“Better than tryna top myself again!”

Robert sat open mouthed, completely disgusted by how matter of fact Aaron was behaving. Robert stood up angrily,  
“DON’T YOU EVER JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT AARON”

Aaron stood taken aback by the emotion in Robert’s voice. His head dropped towards the floor, avoiding Robert's desperate gaze.

“What – can I do. Just tell me! I'll do whatever it takes to make you stop this. Destroying yourself, making everyone worry about you like last time!” Robert was close to tears as he waved his arms about wildly.

“Stop.” Aaron whispered softly. Robert continued as if he hadn't heard, racing through ways to help Aaron.

“Er a councellor.”

“Tried it.”

“Not an expensive one!”

Aaron sighed, “Stop shoving money at me!”

“I'm not! I'm tryna help you!” Robert shouted helplessly.

“You can't. This - it's what I do!” Aaron breathed heavily.

“Please Aaron.” Robert said sitting down next to Aaron again. “It's apart of my life. Just like all your fancy cars are apart of yours!” Aaron said looking Robert in the eyes. “How can you even compare?!” Robert said confused. “It helps me cope, get by I suppose.” Aaron sighed starring down to the scar forming in his forearm.

“How often does it happen?” Robert said calmly.

“Depends. I haven't done it – since Katie. But the helicopter -”

“Which wasn't your fault!” Robert cried.

“Whatever Rob," Aaron sighed nearly against the board of his bed.

“I'm just trying to understand.” Robert said weakly.

“Why? I'm not your problem.” Aaron said bluntly.

“You're not a ‘problem’ Aaron, I was so worried when I head Vic and Adam talking about you disappearing and it being all my fault.” Robert sighed.

“Still don't get it." Aaron sighed grumpily. The idea of Robert worrying about him made him feel uneasy. It wasn't the Robert that his mind had made him remember. Memories of hurt and anger had blurred Aaron’s vision entirely, the sweet gestures and confessions of love weren't apparent in his mind any more...

“What do you mean?” Robert asked perplexed by the question.

“Why do you care? I ruined your marriage. Nearly destroyed your relationship with your family. I lost you your fancy cars and business deals!”

“Because -”

“Why c’mon!” Aaron was screaming now and standing over Robert.

“I… I -" Robert stumbled on his words.

“Huh!”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU” Robert shouted, standing face to face with Aaron. Aaron felt his heart skip a beat. Both their breathing intensified as they starred into each other's eyes. The passion was overwhelming them as Aaron began to understand what Robert had said.

Suddenly the barriers of guilt and shame broke down and allowed the love to slide in. Robert felt his insides burn as Aaron let go of the pain and slowly began to brush his lips against Robert's. Their breathing quickened as Robert placed his hand on the back of Aaron's head protectively leaning in further and closing his eyes.

Ring Ring.

Robert's phone rang loudly interrupting the tender moment between the ex lovers. Robert sighed deeply as he rested his forehead on Aaron’s, the sound lingered on as he watched Aaron pull himself away.

 _What were you thinking?!_ Aaron said to himself as he walked towards the window almost drained completely by the ‘almost kiss’ that had just happened between him and Robert.

Robert raced over to his jacket and picked up his phone quickly,  
“Er yeah?”

“Sir your taxi is outside now – apologies for the further delay. The traffic was -”

“Er don't worry, I'm coming.”

Robert ended the call realising he had to go. Aaron turned round swiftly, watching as Robert pulled his jacket on and starred down at his phone.

“I've … I have to go." Robert whispered.

Aaron nodded not looking in Robert's direction.

“What you said about – about me not telling anyone” Robert said catching Aaron's attention. “Well I won't. You … you have my word.” Robert continued.

Aaron nodded again, this time looking at Robert thankfully.

Robert turned round and faced the door, before letting out a sigh and looking back at Aaron once more.

  
“Whatever you need Aaron, whenever. I know you hate me but – but you need someone.” Robert sighed before leaving Aaron's room and walking outside to his awaiting taxi. Aaron stood numb by the window as he watched Robert enter the taxi.

Aaron sat on his bed, nursing the cut once more. The glass of shard still sat on the bedside table starring at him horrendously. _Because I love you_ it was all Aaron could think about, he hated Robert yet touching him again had unleashed feelings he thought were buried. It had created something inside him, it made him want to fight his demons.

As Robert sat at the back of the taxi, he felt numb by the events of the day. He had felt every emotion possible: guilt, shame, jealousy, love, hate. It all surfaced as he began to lie back on his seat and stare at the ceiling of the car trying to forget about the day completely. However just as he thought he had forgotten everything, Robert gently raised his finger towards his lips and remembered Aaron's soft lips brushing against his. It was a familiar sensation; passion – that he had nearly forgotten. All he recalled was the love they both shared, they love he didn't deserve, the love he would fight for.

 

-

 

Aaron slowly got up from his bed, and picked up the shard of glass firmly. As he headed towards the window, he sighed deeply as he opened the window and chucked the shard outside. The cool breeze filled the room, as Aaron touched his lips gently, smiling as he remembered how carefully Robert’s lips had touched his own. He smiled weakly as he recalled the way he felt about it.

For the first time that day, Aaron had forgetting his worries entirely, and felt something other than guilt and shame. Peace. Peace had overwhelmed him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, leave a comment if you did! X


End file.
